Next time, hit us both.”
She smiled bitterly as her eyes glued to the screen, carefully read the words again and again. No matter how many times she read the quote, the slight pain in her chest wouldn’t go away. Instead, it kept increasing until she was finally unable to breathe. Not to mention how tears threatened to fall from her eyes anytime now.
A sigh escaped from her lips. She somehow felt weak on how she easily got hurt by the simplest thing like a quote. Sure, it was a cheesy quote and not so deep but then every quote that talked about one sided love would be deep for her. No matter how tasteless or how hilarious they were. For her, all of them had indirectly mocked her and her shameless act.
It was like the whole world somehow got together to mock her for her new relationship. It was only for a few days after they had officially been a couple but then bad thoughts and facts just started to bother her.
Yes, it was her first serious relationship after useless relationships she had been into. It was the first time she somehow got together with someone she liked. This one would be an amazing roller coaster ride for her.
She was not sure on how long she could keep up with his pace or when she would stop being insecure about his attitude on her. If there was something that could describe how fragile her feeling right now, she would show people a vas that had already had cracks and looked like it would break easily if someone was dare enough to touch it.
That vas, after so many journeys, had to settle down on a place but no one would touch it as they were scared it would break. No one wanted to take responsibility for that. As they knew, when they touched it, they hadn’t bought it from the previous owner. They were, like any normal trade happened, only trying to know if the vas worth the transaction. But then, when the vas was so fragile, who wanted to touch it or even buy it?
Her heart, just like that vas, was so fragile that everyone who touched it, whoever it was, would somehow added new cracks on its surface—resulting to her anxiety. She didn’t know how it started but she had a low self confidence. Not even her lovely brother could assure her that she was worth some love in this world.
That was what had always happened around her. Until suddenly, she accidentally made him to talk—or rather confessed about the hidden side of his. It was not planned and she just wanted to tease him—something she was used to do when she was in a very good mood. But then, the conversation went down right serious—resulting a very confused her and a very long conversation. It kept her awake all night.
He was someone she had been hoping for the last eight months. Honestly saying, she had never hoped for him to have the same feeling or return the feeling. But here they were, awkwardly trying to fit on each other as they tried to figure out if they could be in a relationship or not.
She somehow thought that he was dead serious when he said he was a dork and someone who would cry over a girl leaving him. He tried to explain himself and she tried to do the same. If only he knew how fragile and serious she was when she told him that she was always the one who got played.
She took a deep sigh upon the memory of that night when they randomly became together. It felt wrong and good at the same time. Was it right to let herself to fight the destiny? It was not like she believed in someone’s oracle – she honestly only didn’t believe on one and that one person would be her brother’s—but then she was afraid if she had gone too far. He once said that she would be close to someone in her third year. Now, she was in the last period of her second year and he was in the same school – although her ‘boyfriend’ just graduated recently – thus, it made her to believe that she somehow had gone across the destiny.
Her instinct had successfully made her crying every night. She doubted her so called ‘boyfriend’ in every way possible. One night, she imagined of him – already went to college – would have fun with a lot of pretty and attractive girls and would eventually forget about her. He would cheat on her—despite his promise of not doing that.
Then on the other night, she was haunted by the most important question in her head. “Why did he even want to date me?”
The questions lingered in her head for days. She tried to ask it to her friends, but no one knew the answer. Some of her friends harshly said, “Because he pitied you!” while others would laugh and tell her to ask him by herself.
She didn’t have the courage. Sure, people thought she had no shame but then she had promised herself that she would put her trust in him. That made her to wonder for half of the weeks, her fingers ached to type the question. Still, she got no courage. One thing that pushed her to finally type the question was her friend’s words.
“If he does like you and want to keep this relationship, he will not mind that question.”
That pushed her to have a little courage. For the second time, they stayed wide awake until late. And for the second time since she knew him, he gave her a long reply. She felt embarrassed for how different they viewed some important points in their relationship. Also it bothered her on how little she put her trust on him.
Somehow, the devils had also whispered their deadly whispers. Telling her that their relationship was wrong and it was not supposed to happen – by any meaning. She tried to fight those evil whispers. Pushing back the sinful thoughts, she tried to look up at their first date eagerly – like how he told her earlier.
Then one day, something hit her hard. He had never seemed to have interest in their conversation. It was just another sunny day and she tried to bring up a conversation like usual. He had no interest – she noticed it. She knew that day would be an important day but she chose to ignore that fact. And all she could do when he said nothing was… trying to keep him in the conversation. A selfish move indeed.
The next day, her question and only chat to him was left unanswered. She tried to think positively—convincing herself that he was busy or even gloomy for the bad result he got. The next day, all she got was a short reply and evidence that he was still alive.
The rest of the week went by like a bad storm. Everyone accused their relationship for not standing long. She wanted so badly to prove to them they were wrong. Then, she tried to let go of everything. But then, when she knew that he was supposed to be online and read her continuous chats, she lost everything.
She got depressed—wondering if he ever wanted to continue this. She had to tell her head to wait until her birthday – which was coming very soon – and look if he would do something until then.
Her prayer was heard today. He suddenly replied. It felt painful and surprisingly joyful for her to finally see his name on her phone screen.
But what happened next only left her in more scars. He wanted to stop. She knew it was coming – but never did she think it would come so fast. Not after a very silence week and after he confessed to like her. She was not ready for the sudden news. All she could do was, staring blankly to the scene of her friend’s laughter in front of her. She felt numb.
She was outside, trying to figure out what she was doing with her life and tasks when he suddenly wanted to end everything. It hurt her a lot to the point that it would break her apart if someone spoke of his name in front of her.
He said that he felt the relationship weighed him. But how about her? He thought he would be happy in this relationship but no, it only stressed him. Then… what did he take of her and her patience for the last year? He said he wanted to be alone and that was it. Why didn’t he just be honest and tell her that he didn’t like her?
She was unable to cry, she only could wish the world stop moving so that she could have enough time to think of what should she do next. But no, it was a silly wish. So, with a very broken heart, she told him she was okay if he wanted to end the relationship.
Her friend supported her, saying that he didn’t deserve her and she should be happy to be out of the poisonous relationship. But her friend was not her. Her friend didn’t like him the way she did. And all she could reply to her friend was by giving a smile.
Her brother said something more comforting. He told her that maybe, it was a hard decision for him to accept her confession since the start and the only reasons he was willing to take that was because he wanted to turn her fantasy for the eight months into reality. That hurt her somehow – no matter how he put it. But he was right when he explained that he somehow got into her life because of a reason.
Now, all she could do was thinking on how she regretted the time two weeks ago when they finally talked a lot about their feeling. How she wished that she knew when to stop before the confession came out. She just wanted everything to become a dream by this point.
He broke her trust—that was obvious. She had explained how she didn’t believe on relationship and why she was willing to be in one with him. He had forgotten that – it seemed. And now that her trust had broken, she learnt that she could never believe in serious relationships anymore.
She took another deep sigh, her body had gone numb and so did her heart. Not even tears fell. She only stared blankly on the walls in front her – wondering why she felt so betrayed.